Yet another piece of hard-hitting Internet journalism

I wish Hilary Clinton would just drop out of the race already so I can stop feeling sorry for her. I mean I know somebody had to prove that America was not ready for a cutthroat, self-serving, self-important, egomaniacal head case of a woman to be President. But really, couldn't it have been someone who looks less like a wounded puppy?

Anyway, that's not the hard-hitting Internet journalism. No, tonight, what's keeping me up at 1:30 A.M. when I have work in the morning is, stupid Facebook photo trends that just need to die. As you might imagine, it is largely my female friends who have propagated these. So this one's for you, girls.

1. Pictures of huge piles of feet

Why girls take pictures in large groups is no mystery to me: girls are social animals. Why girls get dressed up just to take pictures for Facebook isn't really a mystery, either: girls like to look pretty. But why girls would stand in a circle and touch their feet together, then take a picture...that one is probably somewhere in the DSM-IV, or more likely one of those books the psychiatrists keep on their bookshelves in case something isn't in the DSM-IV. I'm not about to look it up, either.

2. Pictures of girls jumping up in the air at the same time

Are we supposed to think this was spontaneous, that someone with a camera just happened to catch you all in a moment of simultaneous gravity-defying jubilation? Come on. I've seen girls jump. With the notable exception of Candace Parker, it usually doesn't last very long. Conclusion: every picture like this on Facebook represents at least ten takes. Further evidence: most of the "smiles" in these pictures look like grimaces of pain, possibly the early symptoms of several dislocated bones in one's ankle.

3. Pictures of stuff you baked

It pains me to say this, but if there's one thing that my recent foray into cooking has taught me, it's that most girls actually don't know BEANS about cooking. They watched their moms read the Bettie Crocker box, and they read it too. So I'm not especially impressed when they post pictures of something they baked that looks exactly like every other thing that comes out of said box. Call me when you whip the icing yourself, ma'am. And when I say "call me," I don't mean call me so I can take a picture. I mean call me so I can EAT IT. And then marry you promptly if it is tasty.

Have a nice day.